Divine Validation

by Martin Whitmore on April 6, 2009 · 4 comments

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me she’d found an old, rusted chainsaw while she was out hiking. My first question: “You picked it up for me, right?” She said she’d get it for me the next day. I figured someone tossed out one of those cheaper, electric chainsaws that come in hideous day-glo green and purple, or something like that… but a chainsaw’s a chainsaw, right?

She sent me pictures of the monstrosity she picked up for me today. …I may have run around the room screaming like a little girl, and then piddled in the corner. Gaze upon the instrument of your doom, and weep!

Weapon of Choice

What really kills me, is that just a couple months ago I was looking on ebay for old, non-functioning chainsaws that I could get cheap and one of these exact models was for sale, but I couldn’t afford it with the shipping, and it made me want to cry.

But lo! The Gods themselves do decree that I shall wield this unholy abomination! I cannot wait to start putting together costumes just so I can carry this motherfucker around.

I cannot express to you the boundless nature of my excitement. Imagine, for a moment, that you catch Santa Claus boning your mother when you come down the stairs a little too early on Christmas morning. With that kind of bargaining chip, you can renegotiate that bag of tube socks up to a nickel-plated bicycle with a front-mounted assault rifle and a pony that breathes goddamn fire. That’s the kind of excited that I am right now.

It’s even more exciting than that time I discovered that if I drank orange juice and kerosene, I could pee napalm. You just can’t beat that.

Tagged as: chainsaw, christmas, napalm

Category: Incoherent Babbling4 Comments  
  • http://dmentd.com DmentD

    *drools with lust*

    Ok, my third eye has peered into the future and has seen two possible outcomes from this one, important moment in time:

    1) SkyNet will…

    No, wait that's a different vision. What I meant was:

    1) Marty will eventually have a wall (or possibly an entire room) lined with a collection of antique and modern chainsaws, like those half-mad firearms collectors do. He'll spend hours there sitting in a weathered armchair next to a fireplace, wearing a battered and bloodstained old smoking jacket, sipping orange juice and kerosene and admiring his collection. Occasionally he'll stand and stroke one that he's particularly fond of, pausing only to briefly stoke the fire with a jet of high-octane whiz.

    2) Austin will one day be the proud host of the M. Whitmore Annual Chainsaw Parade and Jamboree, where people of every creed, race, religion and divergent levels of sanity take to the streets and march to playful music, amongst the colorful bunting, streamers and confetti, the sidewalks bursting with happy, joyful spectators cheering them on. Every participant will have a chainsaw, and they are encouraged to decorate them as they see fit, and there are even chainsaw marching clubs that come from far and wide that all choose a theme and costume accordingly (the Royal Canadian Lumberjack Rotary Club go all out, and usually take first prize in the synchronized starting competition). The day ends in a huge bonfire, where zombie effigies are symbolically cut down by the participants and thrown into the blaze. It's a huge tourist draw, fills the city's coffers, and is known informally as “Marty Gras”.

    For all I know, both of these realities may converge. We can only hope so.

  • http://martinwhitmore.com/ Martin Whitmore

    YES. I want both. Give both realities to meeee! …or perhaps I will just *take* them. Mwahahaha!

  • Nick

    It's a work of art!

  • Nick

    It's a work of art!

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